It's easy to want to change, and hard to actually do it. I periodically get the feeling that I am a horrible person and I need to become not so horrible. I'm not sure if I'm right, but I haven't yet evolved. My house is still really dirty, I don't exercise or eat very healthily, I am a night-smoker, I don't do arts and crafts with my kids.
Once, when I still thought praying was a valid option, I prayed that God would just make me different. That all of the things I hated doing (see above list) would suddenly become like second nature to me. Or even first nature. Nature nature. Some people seem to want to clean their homes, some people are just skinny without trying, some people can spend countless hours just doing whatever their children want to do. It didn't work. Nothing ever happened.
It's just me. Maybe God didn't evolve me because he knew there would come a time when I would question his existence until there wasn't really a question anymore. It's kind of hard to think that if I want to change things about myself, there isn't anyone who is going to help me. But I don't really want to change, unless you want me to. Then I will think about it.
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